INNKEEPER. It's not worth it. Really, Andrisca, let me persuade you now not to fight or struggle with your husband.
ANDRISCA. Really, mine host, I shall dare so much the more boldly not only to resist him but also to beat him with his own clubs.
INNKEEPER. Whence comes such strength in your woman's heart?
ANDRISCA. I am Andrisca and, even if I am a woman, nature has put in me a man's spirit. Bacchus and consciousness of my own virtue, in that I have already excelled many men, strengthen my spirit.
INNKEEPER. Take care lest this arrogance make you slip. It's certainly a different thing to fight a man in fun than to fight him in earnest. The fists of men are very hard.
ANDRISCA. Let them be of brass or lead, I will oppose these delicate female fists. The unskilful fellow will experience in a woman something of the spirit and courage of youth.
INNKEEPER. If you stand firm in this opinion, proceed; show yourself to be a most courageous woman warrior. Not like a frightened woman nor like one ready to yield sluggishly under the blows but like a ?_+ lioness unafraid start the battle against your husband bravely and beat him to the utmost of your ability. But certainly if you should defeat him, you shall at that hour gain not only rule over your husband at home but immortal glory and everlasting honour and shall pass your life agreeably.
ANDRISCA. I love you and approve of you, mine host. By God, it is fitting thus to exhort the expert in wrestling. Now I ask that we go inside and toast our duel with the best wine.
INNKEEPER. Agreed. For the earth is groaning with the steps of someone going somewhere.
BYRSOCOPUS. George has suggested the best plan to me (all harlots richly deserve it): I shall strip my wife, beat her with whips and tie her naked in the salted hide of this horse we happen to have skinned. By God, what sight could be more agreeable? Or what could better extinguish the heat of her loins? But care is needed that it be done at the right time. When first I knock at the door (I know), she will hand me the water pail, according to her old custom, so that when I have been sent away the villain skulking in my house may escape. That's a convenience--for I am not taking care of the priest just now. I will go and draw water, but if they do not give me a pail I will of my own accord ask for one, and when I return will pour the whole pail full onto my wife's head. Immediately she will be forced to strip the wet clothes from her body; I will quickly attack her naked limbs with this sharp whip; and I will cut her, mangle her and disfigure her so that there may be no more places for wounds left. Then I will rub salt into her limbs thus bloodied and when the salt has been well rubbed in will fasten her into the hide of this horse. Thus I have decided. Now I'm going to my battleground. I'll knock quietly so that they may not suspect anything unusual.
BYRSOCOPUS. Ha, ha (the priest is there). Ha. They are muttering and now they are silent. Open the door.
PORNA. Who wants to come in?
BYRSOCOPUS. I do.
PORNA. Are you home, husband? Home so soon?
BYRSOCOPUS. I am.
PORNA. How wet and dirty you are again, my poor husband; it tortures my heart. You, girl, get ready the fire and give me the pail.
PAEDISCA. Hem. Here is the pail.
PORNA. Go back with this, dear, while you are wet and while the fire is being made up, bring back this pail full of fresh water.
PAEDISCA. Jump to it quickly.
BYRSOCOPUS. Bring me the pail.
PAEDISCA. He has moved off.
PORNA. I'm not going out. We will milk a supply of goat's milk. Let him go, let him work and let him draw water. When he has gone round the corner, Hieronymus, my joy, take yourself off for two hours until I may take you back into my bed as my man, so that according to our wishes we may enjoy the embraces of love.
HIERONYMUS. Good advice. I'm off. I'll certainly return tonight with a flagon of wine. Send off your husband quickly.
PORNA. It shall be seen to. Goodbye. Now, girl, see that you stoke the fire, prepare the food and see to it that you humour your master. See that the smell of wine disappears and that there is nothing to offend my husband. You hear?
PAEDISCA. I hear that I am to follow the orders.
PORNA. I am eager that each of these things be placed back in its proper place. Come on. He is returning quite slowly but muttering something fiercely to himself.
GEORGE. How very miserable and quite lacking in spirit he is! They have given him the pail again?
BYRSOCOPUS. But this day shall put an end to this trouble. Now I shall cast off all my ill luck. My friend is looking this way, wanting to see the issue of the case. He will see it right away.
GEORGE. I will watch what he does from a distance, for his wife is coming out.
PORNA. All the things have not yet been rearranged. I will send him back with a second pail.
BYRSOCOPUS. Now, if you send me away, I have lost my manhood.
PORNA. Are you back so quickly, husband? Here is the other pail. You should go for the second while you are wet.
BYRSOCOPUS. Am I to nurse your idleness, laziness, lust, you prostitute to the priest? Here, take your pail full and the second one, and now you are wet. If someone must go for a second pail, go yourself; you're wet now.
PORNA. Citizens of Bunscotium, see what indignities I suffer.
BYRSOCOPUS. You suffer indignities, you most wicked woman? You suffer indignities? You have not suffered the hundredth part yet of what you have deserved for your trickery, perjury, adultery, the worst sort of debauchery.
PORNA. Do you falsely accuse me of debauchery?
BYRSOCOPUS. Yes. I accuse you and I am punishing you and shall punish you even more severely when the opportunity shall arise.
PORNA. May you be wracked with devils, pus, salt of tartar, rottenness, you torturer. You'll pour water over me, will you? You won't get away with that even if I have to cut your throat or ?_+ secretly destroy you with poison.
BYRSOCOPUS. Be off, you poisoner.
GEORGE. The first part has been very successful; if the rest shall go as well, there could be no more appropriate sight.
BYRSOCOPUS. Soon she will be stripped of her clothes and will pay more fully the penalty for all her crimes and actions. I will wait outside until she is naked.
PONUS. I think servants are most unlucky. Day and night they are forced to press on with long hours of work, and the food with which they should renew their strength is not bought; even dogs deserve food. It is strange what has happened; the food has been stolen or the provisions have been reduced, yet it is remarkable; my master is frugal and a lover of work, but liberal as far as my food is concerned. But whee. He is standing in front of his door and is preparing a very heavy club, why did I come home before nightfall, poor devil that I am? Woe to my bones if he's preparing it for me.
GEORGE. Ponus is here. He fears for himself because of this stick. He has been driven home by hunger. Yet I'll frighten him. Why have you come home early? Is there nothing left in the fields that should be done?
PONUS. There is indeed, but I beg of you to spare me, for with hunger and work Ponus is so worn out that he cannot even open his mouth.
GEORGE. I was joking. I've got these clubs for a dog, not for your back. But take these coins; go to the butcher's to buy quickly for us a goose, a hare and some sausages--the same as you bought before--a greedy bitch has carried off the others.
PONUS. Whee. Don't prepare the clubs it deserves; wait till I get back that I may help you.
GEORGE. I will wait, if indeed the bitch herself doesn't come back before you. Quickly, be off and don't return home until the food has been cooked by the baker.
PONUS. I do this errand eagerly.
GEORGE. It is better and more honourable for the boy to go away so that he does not know of his master's quarrels.
PONUS. What's the truth of this? Whose dog is it which has stolen everything at the same time? But that is not my business. I'm off.
GEORGE. Byrsocopus is preparing to enter his house. I must go nearer, so that I may hear this.
BYRSOCOPUS. Now I hope the time is propitious for me to rush in. May Hercules grant that I may avenge this crime fitly.
PAEDISCA. How strange. Why, master, why are you carrying that whip?
BYRSOCOPUS. Shut your mouth.
PAEDISCA. It is not fitting for you to go in, master, because the mistress is naked.
PORNA. O, why have you rushed in here, you villain? By your vows, my husband ...
BYRSOCOPUS. Vows? What vows have you kept?
PORNA. O--I beg you by your marriage vows--I beg you ... ow.
BYRSOCOPUS. Learn thus
PORNA. Ow.
BYRSOCOPUS. to abuse your husband,
PORNA. Ow.
BYRSOCOPUS. to commit adultery with the priest--learn that.
PORNA. O, poor me.
BYRSOCOPUS. Learn thus
PORNA. Ow.
BYRSOCOPUS. to cheat me
PORNA. Ow.
BYRSOCOPUS. by the sheet
PORNA. Ow.
BYRSOCOPUS. and by the water-pail.
PORNA. Ow.
BYRSOCOPUS. I'll teach you to eat and drink yourself when I was famished.
PORNA. By the faith of gods and men, is there no mercy anywhere? Men of Bunscotium, help.
BYRSOCOPUS. Shut up.
PORNA. Men of Bunscotium, help.
BYRSOCOPUS. Shut up, you harlot.
PORNA. Men of Bunscotium, help. Ow. Paedisca, my girl, I'm being killed, I'm being killed. Help.
BYRSOCOPUS. If she comes to help, she'll share the punishment.
PAEDISCA. O men of Bunscotium, a shameful crime ...
GEORGE. Ho there, you girl, what is being done? Is there danger?
PAEDISCA. Alas, George. Alas, men of Bunscotium, my master is whipping his wife to death and has so lacerated her that now there is no place left for a wound.
GEORGE. Shut up, you poor creature; he hasn't killed her with sharp sticks; go inside quickly. Do you wish to defame your house?
PORNA. I'm dying; I'm dying. O poor me.
GEORGE. Hem, her shouts have stopped. Her husband has stopped beating her. Good, it's been done properly. Why shall I now wait? Will he throw her out of doors wrapped in a leather bag?
PORNA. Tell me, husband, what are you preparing to do now? Don't do such a crime. Are you rubbing me with salt? Nothing could be more cruel or more wretched. Are you now sewing me up in a hide? O stony- hearted man. What land, what sea, what barbarous nation has inflicted a torment like this on anyone? O, that some land would swallow me and release me from the punishment!
BYRSOCOPUS. You aren't silent yet?
GEORGE. If everyone were to treat so delightfully a disobedient, an adulterous or a lusting wife, my fellow citizens of Bunscotium, family life would be strengthened and there would be greater peace for ever in our homes. They are coming out now.
BYRSOCOPUS. Catch hold. Throw this corpse of a woman out of doors. You are hesitating?
BOY. We are doing it eagerly.
BYRSOCOPUS. Do it without delay.
BOY. We are doing it.
BYRSOCOPUS. Carry it out a little further. Now put it here.
BOY. Hem.
BYRSOCOPUS. Citizens of Bunscotium, this leathern bag holds my rebellious and adulterous wife. To you in this tragic work I have given an example by which each may correct his own wife if she is dishonest. You there, girl, spring up and say after me.
PAEDISCA. I am to spring up?
BYRSOCOPUS. Spring up quickly and recite after me.
PAEDISCA. How shall I be able?
BYRSOCOPUS. Take care not to croak inauspiciously in your own words, unless you also wish to be treated with the stick. Hem. My wife in love with a priest did not tolerate me as a husband.
PAEDISCA. My wife in love with a priest did not tolerate me as a husband.
BYRSOCOPUS. Now she lies lacerated and also salted.
PAEDISCA. Now she lies lacerated and also salted.
BYRSOCOPUS. Fastened in the hide of a horse.
PAEDISCA. Fastened in the hide of a horse.
BYRSOCOPUS. How is my wife? Does she still wish to commit adultery?
PORNA. Alas. She doesn't want to live. Would she wish it in this state? If you have any shred of piety or pity in your hearts, men of Bunscotium, please help me. Persuade my husband to free me from this plight.
GEORGE. Promise obedience to your husband, and I will see to it that he frees you.
PORNA. I promise and pledge again that I will try to please my husband and will at the same time renounce all adulterers.
BYRSOCOPUS. This is clearly a different tune from the one you were singing when you were folding the sheet.
GEORGE. Release her.
BYRSOCOPUS. I will not. Let her lie there in that bag till tomorrow. Take her inside quickly. I will soon follow.
GEORGE. Do you see?
PORNA. Have you no pity for me?
BYRSOCOPUS. Away with her.
GEORGE. Do you see, Byrsocopus, what an effective thing whipping is?
BYRSOCOPUS. Very effective indeed. Now there remains your battle with your bitch and for me a spectacle.
GEORGE. See to it that you are present as a spectator of the battle at a distance. I'm going back home. The door is creaking over there.
BYRSOCOPUS. Go, and I will see who will come out. Go. He has gone in, but she has come out and mine host is with her. Each of them sees me. But it is unseemly to withdraw. I'm staying here. A battle very different from my battle is starting.
INNKEEPER. See that you act as I instructed you inside, Andrisca, for it would be a disgrace to begin and then to yield weakly.
ANDRISCA. You be a spectator from a distance and see what and how great and of what sort of a champion wrestler I am.
BYRSOCOPUS. Here's the husband.
GEORGE. Seriously, men of Bunscotium, there must be a contest between my wife and me for this pair of breeches, and she is now here of her own accord before you, spectators and judges, lest anyone should think that I have driven her to this by guile and cunning.
BYRSOCOPUS. What is the reason Andrisca appears dressed as a man?
ANDRISCA. You'll see.
GEORGE. Andrisca, I've waited for you a long time, so that we might once and for all settle this quarrel we have begun.
ANDRISCA. Darling, why do you begin to speak? Or what madness drives you on? Is it fitting to fight your wife with clubs?
GEORGE. Indeed I wanted to spend a life with you that was not rough but modest, free, joyful and quiet, Andrisca, but your insolence, wantonness and stinking gluttony did not allow it. I have often warned you seriously and gently to obey my orders and to make your morals more respectable, but so far I have both deceived myself and wasted my work on you. You waste money, you eat up all the food, you neglect the house, and you make your husband a laughing stock.
ANDRISCA. To what end is your speech continuing? Cut the cackle; disclose at last what you want.
GEORGE. Don't be angry. Let us do with quiet hearts what I shall, as you wish, briefly propose. Since you claim for yourself the domestic rule over your husband and hold his words in contempt, the matter must now come to blows. We shall at the same time be fighting for the breeches. If you conquer me, claim the authority; rule over your husband. I will yield and yours be the breeches. But if I defeat you in this duel, be a subject and leave the right of ruling and the breeches to me. Choose one of these clubs, the one that is stronger or that suits you better. Then, Andrisca, to the best of your ability, fight for the breeches. Hem.
ANDRISCA. Give me that club and I will provide the grass for you.
GEORGE. Hem.
ANDRISCA. I want the other club. Fool, if you have so decided, I shall indeed do it, since you have called me to arms without glory. Therefore let the battle be for the breeeches. Husband, show yourself a man. Andrisca first salutes you with this kissing blow.
GEORGE. I in turn pay it back.
BYRSOCOPUS. Now the fight has begun. Now Andrisca rages, and I fear for her husband; that blow was very hard, I fear it will be all up with your case, George, since the woman is much quicker; if once she lands the club on his head, she will lay him low.
ANDRISCA. Why are you standing still, Haplemus? Start fighting.
INNKEEPER. Andrisca, your bitterness and disagreeableness in the beginning will defeat you in the end. The crafty fellow holds back and feigns carelessness. Your husband is sparing his strength so that he may subdue you immediately you are weary with struggling.
ANDRISCA. Now I have lost foolishly by chance, not by cowardice.
BYRSOCOPUS. Oh, well done. She has slipped.
GEORGE. Get up. Don't think you have been defeated by bad luck and not by courage.
BYRSOCOPUS. What's this? Why does he bid her stand up?
INNKEEPER. Alas, the wife, upset by the fall, attacks more slowly, and the husband attacks more fiercely. Now the engagement is over.
GEORGE. Why don't you stand up? Why don't you now salute me with a kiss?
BYRSOCOPUS. Andrisca has given in, and her husband is attacking her more fiercely. She has fallen by this blow. George is the victor. But he is quite savage. I fear that he will some day be too cruel.
ANDRISCA. Have pity on me now, husband.
BYRSOCOPUS. Ho there, mine host, come on, for I fear he may perhaps kill her.
INNKEEPER. Let's go near and ask for grace for the wife.
GEORGE. Will you still scorn to be obedient to your husband? Will you still be rebellious, wanton, a drunkard? Are the breeches and the command over the household mine?
ANDRISCA. Yours, yours be the breeches, yours the rule and all the command over the household; yours is the victory.
BYRSOCOPUS. Take her back into your favour now that you've conquered her, I beg you. Don't rage too much.
INNKEEPER. She is your wife. Whatever wrong she committed earlier, she will now correct. Let her go.
BYRSOCOPUS. Neighbour, I beseech you, pardon her fault.
GEORGE. Let her promise to obey. I will pardon her for all her faults and will renew my former favour.
ANDRISCA. I promise willingly. As up to now I have been rebellious, arrogant, naughty, so now after this I shall be anxious to please, charming, frugal, my husband; take me back to your kisses. I have been most deservedly beaten, but kindly lift me up.
GEORGE. I take you back. Get up into my arms. Here's my kiss.
ANDRISCA. Mm.
BYRSOCOPUS. You do well.
GEORGE. And you, Byrsocopus. Free your wife to please me.
BYRSOCOPUS. I will untie her.
GEORGE. Listen. This evening I want you to come to supper with your wife.
BYRSOCOPUS. Thank you.
GEORGE. But also, mine host, I should like you to come, if you will be temperate.
INNKEEPER. I shall.
ANDRISCA. Husband, pardon me; there is nothing to eat.
GEORGE. I ordered the lad to go to the store to fetch it. You lay the table and place the loaves and cups on it.
ANDRISCA. Whatever you order after this shall not annoy me.
GEORGE. Byrsocopus is inside his house; the priest is coming and he thinks that he is coming as usual to see his little friend. If he doesn't now ensnare the wolf, beat him and strip him, the plan has been worked out so far in vain. I will withdraw lest I be seen but I shall wait for my servant.
HIERONYMUS. Are you there, darling Porna? Are you there? She is there; the maid is coming.
PAEDISCA. Welcome, Hieronymus. Go inside rather carefully while I bolt the door.
GEORGE. Now he has gone in. It's a pleasure to watch how he will come out. Wasn't I a fool: I trusted my servant with money to buy the roast meat. He will raise himself up in the eating house itself and will declare war on his greatest enemy, hunger. Then he will make an excuse, chat about the expense of the meat, then the other disadvantages which are accustomed to detain men. Whee. What's that row coming from the house?
BYRSOCOPUS. Paedisca. Come here. Pull these clothes off and tear them into pieces; you are to be pounded, you are to be pounded, you are to be pounded, you are to be pounded, but you will leave these clothes as a pledge of your affection.
HIERONYMUS. I suffer deservedly. Whither shall I flee without any clothes?
BYRSOCOPUS. You're leaving, are you, you're leaving, are you, you foul fellow?
GEORGE. Good; a charming sight. The naked priest is running away. Beaten by the husband and pushed out, he doesn't protest. Driven by shame, he seeks the darkest places of his own accord. He was quickly stripped of the burden of his clothes. My neighbour is hurrying over here, but without his wife.
BYRSOCOPUS. I had not thought that today I should be drinking sweet foreign wine.
GEORGE. Where is your wife?
BYRSOCOPUS. My wife is washing away her shame with her tears. When she is dressed, she will come over secretly in the dusk.
GEORGE. I believe you. But what does this bottle mean? What does it hold?
BYRSOCOPUS. A wolf was caught in my hut; he left this flagon full of the best Falernian wine and all his clothing as a pledge, trying by his flight to save his protruding teeth.
GEORGE. Ha ha he. It is well. I am waiting for my servant, but here he is. He has brought the food. Now at last you are here, boy.
PONUS. The food had to be bought, cleaned and cooked. I couldn't make my steps bigger, unless you prefer stuff half cooked rather than properly cooked.
GEORGE. Let the food be brought inside. Mine host is present. Now, my good friends, since our wives have been brought back to the path of honour, with all harshness removed, we wish to end this day with joyful and moderate conviviality. Go in, boy.
BYRSOCOPUS. With your permission.
GEORGE. Innkeeper, you follow.
INNKEEPER. It is not right. The host should go first.
GEORGE. Not at all. Go first. I follow.
INNKEEPER. With your permission.
GEORGE. You, then, who have come to the show. Go and eat what you had cooked, for the players will offer you nothing to eat.
Spectator, if it does not irk you, stay for a short time longer that you may learn the opinion of our company. If a wife is anxious to please, is honest and sober, then love her and treat the weaker vessel with all forbearance. But if she is wanton, unchaste, drunken, then rule her, tame her in your own good way. For in a home indeed there's nothing more destructive than a bad woman for the children and for the family. Goodbye, one and all. Now give us your applause.
THE END
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